A life less loved…

… is a life struggling to find purpose. My friends tell me that I spend too much time and invest too much emotion examining my lack in this department, but I can’t help but feel that missing this one element of our human existence is really starting to dehumanize me. I find myself caring less and less about things that I used to be very passionate about. For example, the destruction of the environment, a cause that I’ve always felt most deeply about, becomes less and less important to me as I realize that the chances of me being able to say to my grandchildren ‘I helped mend our ways’ are slim because I don’t foresee children, let alone grandchildren in my future.
Perhaps it’s a hangover from the christmas season, but mainly it’s the build up into the valentine’s day fever pitch. Yet another whiny voice on the internet, complaining about the commercialized nature of a manufactured greeting card day, I know. I’m pretty sure the Internet doesn’t need another lonely guy poring his emo soul out onto a traffic-less blog, but damnit I really don’t care anymore. In my life, I have never had a love-filled valentine’s day. Every single year, I’m reminded again of my loneliness. I don’t know what it is about me that women find so undesirable, but it’s wearing me down. I really don’t know how much more of this I can take.
I see my friends and family, happy with their loved ones, making lives together and I look at my life, and weep inside. I feel like Adam Sandler in Punch-Drunk Love, raging about how he has so much love to give. I’ve held a flame in my heart for so long now, and to find it unrequited was a blow of the worst kind. To get rejected from a stranger, from someone you met in a bar, or a library, or a cafe is nothing. You can shrug it off, they don’t know you. To get rejected from one whom you’ve known for years, who can’t see you as you see her, well it’s soul shattering.
I try to deal with it but I can’t. I keep coming back to the passion, the love, the emotion I felt that was just wasted. Completely wasted, and I don’t think love in an unlimited resource. I think we only have so much to give without being replenished by someone else, and I haven’t ever been replenished. I’ve never been in a relationship where they felt about me the way I felt about them, and once again I keep coming back to the question, what the hell is wrong with me? What makes me so unsuitable for any type of relationship?
I know I’m not perfect, but I’m not a bad catch. My friends tell me I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m easy to get along with. I’m well traveled, funny and not incredibly ugly. Sure I could lose a couple pounds and do a little more with my life, but worse people than I have found true happiness in the arms of another, so why haven’t I?
I think I’m done now. I don’t feel any better, in fact I’ll probably feel worse later on but at least I’ve written something, as incoherent and rambling as it is. I said earlier my friends tell me that I put too much emphasis on love, but it’s easy for them to say this. They’re the best possible people in the world, but they can’t see the world the way I perceive it, they haven’t lived a life less loved…

7 thoughts on “A life less loved…”

  1. Dude,
    I couldn’t have said it all better myself. The only thing I can say is that at a certain point you end up making yourself overcome the crippling effect of thinking too much, and act, and get it all worked out. But I’m not going to insult your intelligence by saying just wait, that everything will be fine, because the truth is that we are always alone, we never have that perfect relationship that hopeless romantics like us think is possible. The important thing is to appreciate the relationships that you do have, and to deal with the other aspects of your life. Eventually the confidence (real confidence, not the fake confidence you and I are experts in) will allow you to make the leap forward. Because – and this is important – as bad as things get you can’t start blaming the things or people around you. You are the only one responsible for what goes on in your life. There are things, obviously, that you have no control over right now, but with confidence you will gain the ability to reach out and control those things. God, I hope this wasn’t a ramble, and actually makes some kind of sense. Solidarity, brother.

  2. Wow! You sound like me!
    Or at least the same way I felt in my early twenties. I just couldn’t figure out exactly what was wrong with me. I blamed it on bad pheromones. That was during the 60’s with “Free Love” and “Flower Power”! Yeah, there was a lot of free love going on, but I wasn’t getting any.
    I had a few girl friends, but that was the problem…they all were just friends. I think I was too desperate.
    After a while I just gave up looking, and wouldn’t you know it, that when I found Sue.
    It’s just possible if we dwell on the negative, we attract the negative, and that’s all we will get.
    The purpose of life is simply to live it. If you’re looking for the reason for your life, well…you got to figure that one out for yourself. But I wouldn’t let the search for the love of you life, or the reason for you life, consume you’re life. Just live your life the best you can, and sooner or later they both will find you.
    And believe me, it will be worth the wait!

  3. just know you are not the only one who’s ever felt like this.
    but i hope you hang in there man.
    change of environment is always good. and everything the others dudes said is solid advice too ^
    again, you always sum up pretty well what i would say anyway, so i guess i can’t really say much else.
    P.S. (sof 3 release? i hope you’ve been doing your research. Come back to NoTag won’t you? see ya soon pal =)

  4. “The only thing I can say is that at a certain point you end up making yourself overcome the crippling effect of thinking too much, and act, and get it all worked out. But I’m not going to insult your intelligence by saying just wait, that everything will be fine, because the truth is that we are always alone, we never have that perfect relationship that hopeless romantics like us think is possible.”
    Always alone is false.
    When the person comes and both hearts are ready, the love that is shared overshadows any hopeless romantic’s greatest dream. A connection that is complete, felt, and known in the soul is something that stays with you no matter the circumstances. You will never feel the same again, you will never feel alone. “I am loved. I was loved. It was/is true.” The memory never fades. The ache, the pounding completeness of the heart never stops.
    Yes, though the perfect relationship can sometimes seem an unreachable ceiling, but it must be realized that there are things we cannot control, dark linings of the unforeseen. But we must also keep close the hope that we can influence and shape ourselves and others to fight and overcome the struggles of that yet to come. Though love can be one of the most enduring and beautiful things it has to be fought hard for. But the fruits of the victory can be sweeter than any apple of Eden or step of evolution.
    Chef, the fire you have in your heart, you cant let it be blown out, no matter what. Fallen relationships and the ‘wasted’ emotion only scar your heart it cannot stop it. The passion you hold is only being stored, like that of, if you will, of an unknowing hero. When the time is right it will be released and will make your experience of true love the most pure feeling of your life.
    Wait for it. Dont go out looking for love, love will find you. Yes, it sounds easy, but it is worth a try. I found myself in the same situation, searching for that person to share myself with; my ideas, my thoughts, my passions. But each time it felt like the bridge was being burned as it was being built, a wasted burst of passion and energy. I stopped the search with low spirits and when I was least expecting it, she came.
    I can say, though it may sound optimistic, I am happy for you Chef. I am happy because I know you will find someone very special that will complete you, someone you can give yourself to completely and get the same in return.

  5. I hope you’re right, because like a bad movie my life is repeating itself. Almost one year later, and pretty much the same situation, same girl, really it’s almost laughable.

  6. Little Miss Muffet was a small girl whose name was Patience Muffet. Her stepfather, Dr. Muffet (1553-1604) was a famous entomologist who wrote the first scientific catalogue of British Insects.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *