I’m fat, and getting fatter. I can feel myself puffing up over time, the rolls around my neck getting larger and my shirts getting tighter. I observe this with all the other observations in my life, with a sense of detachment, of it not really happening to me. The air is sticky with fall humidity. It’s raining outside, a slow steady trickle of daytime culmination. When I took my bike to work I was suprised to see the ground wet with rain from the night before – tomorrow I won’t be so suprised. On the first day of fall the weather is never surprising.
There is something so comforting about alcohol and cigarettes. Even though it’s irritating getting harassed, I can never begrudge the drunks who stumble by my work begging for smokes. I can see how easily it would be to slip into that mindset, fuck it, bottoms up and lets see how far I can take this. Alcohol dulls the ache, cigarettes give you something to do. It’s a pathetic life but at least it’s living. Is it any worse then going to a boring job at a failing company, saving up money to blow on inconsequential pleasures? Is a memory really so precious I wonder. Are purchased things really so substantial?
I’m lonely, lonely lonely lonely. I read, see, watch, hear about love all the time, yet it’s never happened to me, for me. Some people say your one true love is out there, some people say that it’s all about finding someone compatible, but in all the stories there are always two halfs to a whole and yet here I sit alone. I wonder about that, why at 30 I still haven’t found someone, either a soulmate or even someone to just pass the time with. Those kind of thoughts are dangerous, they’re filled with pity, remorse and longing. And yet how much of the story of humanity is a story of love, the pursuit of love, the loss of love. I can’t be human without love, so it seems.
So here I sit, the observer, the watcher, the reader. All I have left is the unfolding drama of humanity as it crumbles around us, as we take that word humanity and rape it, tear it up and spit it on the ground. All of the progress that we sit on top of with no real understanding of the sacrifices that were made to get us here, and us, this generation so willing to throw it away out of fear. I keep thinking of history, how in history books the periods of time are judged so heavily, and the actions of the people in history are lauded or lambasted. How will history judge us, the pundits say. I think deep in our hearts we all know how history will judge us, but nobody really cares when we’re so deep in the orgy of the now, the revelation of the consumation. For all of the progress, the scientific discoveries, the humanitarian efforts that are being done in isolated pockets, the reality of the situation is that we’re the most spoiled and pampered generation that our history has produced, and we glory in the excess of our gilded prison.
The real problem is population. Nobody in power will say that, but they’re all thinking it, or at least they should be, if their advisors are any worth. We’re approaching some really serious problems soon, problems that will make this piffle with the stock markets seem inconsequential. We have dire water problems. Water is the root of all our economies, water is the thing that we as humans need most to surivive, and water is rapidly getting consumed faster then it’s replenished. Water which we need for irrigation, which we need to grow our crops, which we need to feed our livestock, which we don’t need but induldge in anyways because meat tastes better than alfalfa any day. The amount of water that our population requires for this system is accelerating with our population, as more and more of us get a taste for meat. Water shortages while people water their lawn. Asia draining their water table to feed 3 billion people. I can’t help but wonder if anyone out there is really paying attention to these problems, while we breed like rabbits and glorify growth.
There is the big problem, the ironic tumour at the heart of our society. Why do we worship growth so much? I can’t fathom it. Growth leads to boom and bust, predictable like the so called business cycle. The only problem is that the bust that will eventually happen because of our population boom will be unlike anything we’ve ever encountered. It’s so sad, all the suffering and wasted potential. The thought of all the starving people, grabbing their swollen bellies as their life agonizingly ebbs away. We will see this in our lifetime, and I can only hope that those of us who survive learn a valuable lesson. Unfortunately, the cynic in me realizes that the saying “those who don’t observe history are doomed to repeat it” is still around, for a reason.