Wonder

A wise man told me once that great men talk about ideas, average people talk about events, and low people talk about other people. If you walk backwards down the stairs you'll make less noise in some stairways. There's an idea for you...

What drives humanity to find questions to ask? What motivates some of us to examine the laws of nature, to understand the interaction of the building blocks of matter, to predict the grand ballet of galaxies in our universe? Wonder. Science teaches us how to ask the questions, but wonder makes us want to answer them. Find your sense of wonder. Then you'll start asking questions. Perhaps some of those questions will never be answered in your lifetime, but at least they're being asked. Who knows? Maybe one day centuries from now that question will be answered and life on our little blue planet will change once again.

Carl Sagan was all about the wonder. I'm reading one of his books, probably one of his last: Demon Haunted World - Science as a candle in the dark. I wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone. Carl Sagan was a genius astronomer, but he took his passion for science and focused on popularizing it for the masses. What really pisses me off is that I really want to talk to him, to discuss some of his ideas, but unfortunately one cannot have a coherent conversation with a dead man, unless of course one believes in all that. Another thing that pisses me off is that it seems to me that his life quest - promoting science - seems to have been in vain. Young people here in North America just don't seem to be interested in learning about the world and the universe around us. I'm not sure where that lack of interest stems from, but it bothers me deeply.

Education is a fundamental part of growth as a human. Learning about physics, chemistry, biology, history (unbiased preferrably) - these are things that allow people to make informed choices. That's what life's all about: choices. The more you know about the world the better you're able to make the right one.

Find your sense of wonder, it will bring life back into your world.

Empathy

I filled out some personal profiles online today. I made one for LavaLife (in the intimate encounters section ^_^), and was in the process of filling out the best profile on Fark personals and it told me server error. Here's what it says to me:

Please note: This personals site powered by Spring Street Networks will be temporarily unavailable as we perform maintenance to make the personals better than ever! We apologize in advance for the inconvenience.

Goddamnit!

I guess the reason I'm really pissed off is I wanted to send a message to this one super cool chick that I found there. All I read was her profile and I was impressed with her responses. I'm pretty sure that her mailbox is probably inundated with messages from would-be Romeos, but I was so convinced of our matching interests that I would have paid money for it. Yes, I would have paid for this dating service. It seems kind of lame but this is what my life has lead me to.

...Anyways, enough about that. I want to talk about empathy. I want to try and figure out why this most powerful emotion seems to be malnurished in our cynical society. I have some thoughts on why that is, and what can be done about it. It seems pretty egotistical to claim that I have answers people are looking for, yet at the same time I don't really think that I have any answers. All I really have are questions. Questions about life and the Universe around us.

I suppose that mentality, the Universe around us, is quite outdated. Generations have passed since it was first revealed through science that we are not in the center of the universe, that we are in fact in a galaxy that's expanding at a phenomenal (relative) rate away from the point of the Big Bang, where it all went down. However, it's my belief that as huge as the Universe is, as mysterious and savage as the space surrounding us can be, we should probably remember that relative to us and our goals as a species we might as well be at the centre of the Universe. I mean why the hell not? I don't see anything else out there. Sure there's lots of theories, but I've never seen anything concrete. It's a subtle shift - that mentality. When you think about earth and it's insignificance when compared to the rest of existence out beyond our threshold and then place us at the center, then it brings about a greater sense of purpose, of deeper meaning than just our day to day idles. It's as invigorating as it is depressing. Why is it depressing? Do I really have to answer that?

Empathy is a powerful emotion. It takes a certain frame of mind, but it's fundamental for spiritual experience. If you believe that you can grow as a person, then you should try and exersize some of these mental muscles. Why am I always advocating the act of thinking? Well thinking men don't fight, they debate. Debating never led to weeping mothers. Discussing never orphaned any children.

The key to empathy is self exploration. Introspection. How can you know somebody else if you don't even know yourself? And there's lots of benefits from knowing someone else - perspective is one, camraderie is another, respect is a third. I don't think anybody can convince me that it's better off not knowing anyone at all. That just seems almost selfish.

I also think that some people out there won't get this message. They won't understand why the hell anyone would care about another's suffering. You can classify these people as being defficient in empathy, it's really that simple. Almost like it's split down the middle, half on one side, half on the other, or at least that's the way it seems to me. The only way to deal with these people is to try and talk to them anyways, despite their reluctance. Eventually they probably will get the message, it just takes some longer to process.

I suppose all of this must sound rather religious at times. I don't really know what to say about that - I'm not a religious person in the traditional sense of the word. I know I said earlier that I'm a bright, yet after close inspection I don't know how much like that I really am.

I'm tired. I gotta somehow find more time to write, I would be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying it. Gnight all.

The brain and complexity

I've been a little bit obsessed with the operation of the brain over the last few months. It blows my mind on a day to day basis that a complex network of neurons provides us with the faculties to perceive the world around us, to analyze our existence, to love, laugh, and lament all in a single thought. Nonetheless it all comes back down to interconnected neurons receiving impulses from our five senses, our I/O interface with the universe around us. Where does the soul reside then, if we do in fact have one? What happens when those neurons fire their last impulse and the world goes white around us? I have my theories, and I'll attempt to explain some here.

I've been having a discussion on the great milenko for a bit now on the brain and it's complexity. It's a fascinating topic, but first some basic facts:

There are 100 billion (or so) neurons in an average human brain. Each one of these neurons is connected to up to 10,000 other neurons. This gives our human brains around 1 quadrillion (1 thousand trillion!) connections - more than there are stars in this universe! That's a lot of connections, and although we still don't know how these connections form our consciousness, our emotions, our memories or personalities, we do know that they physically exist and they are the root of our existence. Somehow the brain takes impulses from our five senses, processes them and stores the relevant information while discarding all the rest. Think about how much visual information your brain takes in at any given time, and think about how much you remember. So much useless information is discarded - I guess you could call it information pollution. :) However our brains are smart enough to sift through the garbage. There's intelligence at work at so many levels there people! But I digress.

So basically our identities (you could say souls) reside in a complex pattern of interconnected neurons. This structure is what defines who we are, and each structure is unique in this world. However we live in an infintely sized universe, probably one of an infinite number of universes. Infinity squared! :P With the infinite nature of existence there is an infinite number of possibilities for nature to create life in some form or another, and herein lies what I believe is the truism of reincarnation - that complex pattern of connections is bound to manifest itself in some form another again and again for all 'time'. Be it amidst interconnected roots of some alien rainforest to the complex interactions of noble gases on a Jovian type planet, the pattern of complexity that defines who you are will manifest itself repeatedly. In essence, your individuality is nothing but a pattern, but a pattern that has always existed and will always exist.

Now that there is some crazy-ass talk, but you know what? It helps me sleep better at night. I believe that I have always existed and will always exist, in some form or another. It is kind of comforting if you think about it. Whether it's true or not, well of that I'm not certain. I have no way to really test my theories, but I can't help but blurt them out anyways. I'd love to be proven wrong, and anybody is welcome to do so in the comments section or if they're really ambitious - I do have some forums set up. Although they were narcissistically set up to discuss my thoughts, I'd love to use them to debate my theories as well. ;)

And now for something completely different

I had a vision... a waking dream...
On my worst enemy I would not deem.
I couldn't remove the image from my head,
it stayed until I wished I was dead.
Death it seems so fleetingly near,
a form of terror without peer.
I felt the need to settle the score,
click the link to find out more...

Get your hand out of your pants you filthy bastard! What have you got against kittens anways???

Thanks to oldcatman for reminding me of the power of kittens.

Are you a Bright?

I know that I'm a bright, I only hope that many of you are brights as well. It seems to me that the brights in this world are the thinkers, the ones who are not satisfied with the answers that are spoon fed to us. We brights must stick together.

I suppose there's still a lot of religious people in this world, in one form or another. I've never really been satisfied with the answers that popular religions gives me, although I mentioned in my last post that I didn't know much about Buddhism. My friend gave me "The Teaching of Buddha" by Bukkyo Dendo Kyokai last night and I'm finding it an interesting read. I've already read Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse and I found it incredibly insightful. I'm hoping that this book will if not answer some questions then at least lead me on the right path to find those answers for myself. I guess that's what it comes down to: finding the answers that work for you. Everybody has grown up under different circumstances, and everybody has a fundamentally unique point of view. What works for person A won't necessarily work for person B. Understanding that there's different points of view though allows you to understand better what exactly your philosophical opponent is talking about. Empathy. It's a strong but sadly underdeveloped emotion on this pale blue planet.

For me, the prospect of a life of eternal bliss at the foot of God sounds like a pretty ludicrous reward, really. If I am the same person dead as I am alive, but in heaven I get to do anything, understand everything, see everyone at the drop of a hat, then where's the challenge? Where's the sweet pleasure of victory after overcoming a particularily difficult hurdle? Sounds like it would be cool and interesting for about 10 minutes or so, then it might turn sour and turn into it's own form of hell. I think back to Star Trek (I think it was Voyager) where one Q wanted to leave the continuum so he could kill himself after having done everything. Thank you Google - the episode was called "Death Wish". Anyway that's kind of how I see heaven. All powerful and all knowing but once you know everything where's the zest for existing?

Likewise, hell seems equally unfathomable. Eternal damnation, eternal torture and pain. If again I was subjected to this hell I'm pretty sure that you would eventually block it out, become numb to the pain. It still sounds very unpleasant but again for almost the same reason as heaven seems unpleasant. It's a no-win situation either way if you ask me.

The afterlife is a touchy subject for many because it brings up mortality and death, thoughts which most people shy away from because of the unanswerable qualities of these questions. When I ask religious people about heaven and hell they generally start parroting passages from the Bible or the Qur'an but there's no introspection. There seems to be no analysis of the actual event - the end of life in this world and the passage to the next. I guess if you don't know (and really can never figure out) the true answer to what happens when you die one tends to grasp at the first idea that insulates one from the terrible thought of non-existence. Anything sounds better than that, even eternal damnation.

So I guess my beef with religion is that it seems made up. thousands of years ago I could have made up these rules and beliefs - and if I could make them up then anybody could. It seems that these were periods of chaos within society, or degradation and corruption (not unlike today), and 'philosophers' came along with some interesting ideas about eternal reward for being good and eternal damnation for being bad. It seems like these ideas would have been a good way to keep people law abiding and peaceful except for the fanaticism and power (for a few) that went along with them. It seems that there's always somebody out there who wants control over other people, and will do anything to achieve that lust. So then you get the crusades and the jihads, christianity and islam fight it out over picky details of basically the same religion. It just seems to incomprehensibly wasteful - wasteful of human potential, of scientific progress, of beauty and art. Why are we as a species so hateful of things and people we don't understand?

Anyways, I think that's enough for now. The Kitty is getting restless and agitated over my lack of work ethic. I'm sure I'll talk about religion again.. ;)

Inspiration

I thought for a moment that a nice little project that humanity could get together on would be to make a space probe containing as much of our culture, art, politics and philosophy as we could scrounge together and send it out of this solar system as soon as we possibly could. But then again aren't we already emitting enough signals that any alien species with a degree of intelligence could detect? I think back to the time that NASA sent out their first deep space probe which if I remember correctly contained a record player. I think it might be time to upgrade our technological presence in space.

I'd to think a lot has changed since the 1970's - if not in technology then at least in culture. Besides, there's more to humanity than just Beethoven, I mean you've got Britney Spears to represent right? Heh I guess you have to take the good with the bad as that's what we're all made up of. Our human legacy, the vast sum of human knowledge and creativity. I'm sure a lot of you out there couldn't give a damn if some record of our existence should exist outside of our mother Earth but I'd hate to think of some catastrophe to befall society and us having left nothing behind. I'd also like to think that there's a lot of us who are actually concerned with humanity as a whole and not just one individual.

It takes a certain perception to arrive at this concern. What one has to do is to first do is accept that our one existence is all that we have to experience. In this form all we can do is enjoy the reality of perception, the visceral experience of perceiving the world. Something is always better than nothing, no matter how terrible that something is. Sensation, pleasurable or painful, is still sensation. The trick is to not only apply that experience to your own life but to understand that that experience is occuring in every single person around you. This is the key to perceptionalism - you have to perceive not only of your own existence but the perception of everyone you influence as well. We all influence each other on one level or another - physically, mentally or spiritually. That connection is precious in so many indescribable ways and once examined leads to profound insight and inspiration.

This line of thought often leads to depression. What happens when it's over? How can I go from experiencing and processing to nothing? How can I bear the terrible burden of non-existence? Forever unconscious? It's scary. It's horrible. It makes you want to cling onto every shred of awareness no matter what the cost. Who cares if others are harmed as long as my existence continues for as long as humanly possible as comfortably as possible?

Well it's simple really: the people who are harmed care, and they have just as much right to existence as you do. One of the things that bugs me about our pampered Western Culture is that we cannot conceive of what it would have been like if we hadn't rolled snake eyes in the game of life. We won comparitively speaking, but is it really all that polite for us rub it in the losers faces? Wouldn't it be better if instead of lording our luck over the less fortunate we instead tried to share a little of what we had? Especially as their existence is so completely horrendous compared to ours?

A lot of us can't disassociate ourselves from our existence enough to really understand how bad it could be if we had rolled the more likely combination. It can be done and let me tell you it's a sobering experience - it makes you appreciate what you've been handed but at the same time it can make you angry at how little is being done to help the majority of humanity out. I think there's a sense of futility when you follow that path because you look around and see nobody else changing, sacrificing, conserving. The thing is though that I really do believe that each one of us has it in us to be powerful, to change the world in a positive manner. All we have to do is follow our ideals and set an example for the people who surround you.

I don't think any of us appreciate how flexible and responsive the global consciousness is. Memes travel around from one end of the world to the other over the course of days, when it once tooks decades. We have within our hands the greatest tool to learn and share knowledge and perception that we as humanity have ever had. Think about what society was like before the invention of the steam engine and railroad system, then think about what it was like after. There is a distinctive leap in culture, art, politics and philosophy between the two periods. Things change, but unfortunately people have always had a terrible time keeping up with change.

Change is also feared because the dogma's that we all hold onto seem so precious to us. "This is my explanation into why I exist and I don't care if all these new ideas argue that I'm wrong because damnit, this is what I believe. This is how I can explain the universe and my part in it." That mentality is inherently flawed because what's right and wrong are constantly changing. Everything's relative, even the laws of the universe that govern our every action. We may think that we have a good handle on the fundamentals but I know that we have so much to learn and explore about ourselves and the universe around us. And yet interest in science seems to be declining... Fundamentalist religious dogma is on the rise and people are clinging onto outdated world perceptions at an alarming rate. These are not the answer. Religions invented hundreds of years ago did not understand the increasing complexity of human existence, and unfortunately most of them refuse to change. However some of the them seem to crave new knowledge, to embrace new ideas rather than push them away. I don't know much about Buddhism but I do know that what I've seen so far seems pretty interesting. But then again, that's just me.

Well, I think I'm done for the night. Tomorrow I'm heading shopping. I think this will be the second time this year that I feel the need to update my fashion. Time to buy a fedora.

There've been some updates to the site by the way. These conversations are much more interesting (and much better quality) than my thoughts were. I particularily enjoyed Chapter 11 although there's a few gems in the others as well. There's also a lot of BS - but that's what you get when you record raw life.

Also, I've set the forums to registered guests only. If people want to have a serious discussion I recommend they create a topic there.

Goodnight everyone but let me know you're still there. Also if you like what I'm writing here what makes you think your friends won't? Spread the word my friends, the more the merrier.

Is there anybody else out there thinking?

What's going on in China? Where are the voices of the chinese? Why does this country have a solitary voice? I really don't know too much about China, but I feel that my life has had more brushes with this mysterious culture than the average North American. However I still feel that my personal contact with chinese people and their large percentage of our earthly population has been somewhat lacking. I've been chatting with a video gamer named DavisLee for over a year now but he has been quite restrained in showing his true 'self'. I invite Davislee to tell me something about his life.. ;)

Also, I'd like to talk about thinking and the mere act of contemplation. This is a trait that we as all homo sapiens share. I know I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking and I really do hope I'm not the only one. I invite all of my buddies out there to let me know that they're at least listening to what I have to say (or better yet to let me know they still exist.. )

Man that's one of the big problems I'm having with traveling. The regret of lost contact. I really do wish I'd done a better job of keeping in touch with my friends that I've met across the world. Although we're all pretty spoiled relatively speaking we still are a great bunch people and I know that any of you out there than knows one of us knows that we're good people as well. That's why I've felt that my life is so blessed! I've always had really good people surrounding me wherever I've gone. The best of society as far as I consider. At least compared to the characters on TV - however my reality of the situation is that I can only ever know the people around me. It's a fundamental law of communication, really. A lot of the time it feels like we really are connected in a way that we can't yet detect. I think I'm going to have to place that link again because damned if I don't think that's cool. To be honest it blew me away the first time I read it - I was getting shakes like I'm getting right now. God damned pot.

I've been thinking about internet traffic lately. It seems to me that there's a lot of crap going out there on the internet, but at the same time there's a lot of interesting possibilities that are bubbling to the surface of this lake of poo. I see lots of amusing stuff from time to time but I also see a lot of crap. The Media has everyone jumping at shadows purely for sole game of selling Nikes. The sweet alure of money, the pursuit of the American dream. The scary part is that it's slowly becoming the American nightmare. I see these people that have worked so hard to make so much money compared to the rest of us and yet they aren't seemly making any difference. Everyone knows who the richest man in the world is and yet we barely know anything about his ambitions. He is one of the most powerful men and as much as there seems to be some kind of philanthropy it always has a business related edge. I would love to see all of our celebrities charitable donations because that kind of thing would be nice to know about a person.

There's a lot of charities out there. For me it's just too hard to pick the right one. I think that's something that's really individual about every person - we all have our own seperate goals. I would really like to think that most people are setting goals that are beneficial to society but I have a sinking feeling that most aren't. I know I myself am not doing enough - I'm sitting here on my computer, typing away at a bright screen. I could be helping to build communities in africa or pamphleteering the streets of washington. My problem is I don't know what to do. I really think I need to be told what to do. I'd like to hear what everybody has to say about everything. I enjoy conversations so much. I think I spend the greater part of my day constantly communicating with people. It's such a strange concept to go from only being able to talk to the people within your immediate area to being able to talk to people from around the world. I try to push the whole talk thing on everybody, but let me tell you it's worked wonders for me. I've been talkative all my life and I find myself so content sometimes. I really think I feel content with the path that humanity is taking, the progress that we've made. Yet at the same time I'm concerned because there also seem to be a sizable amount having trouble adapting to new memes. I only hope that the slow rate of information absoption can somehow be increased with technology. I truely think that all these wonderful things we've learned will come in handly for future tests. I think humanity is being tested, by the way.

What is it about cooperation? As much as one human is capable of accomplishing on their own think about what two can produce. And a hundred. And a hundred thousand. The capabilities of the human species boggle my mind. We have done so much and improved so incredibly that it can be viewed as a constant source of inspiration. This will be my legacy. I am part of something greater than just me, and yet I can still maintain my individuality. It's a beautiful image of cooperation instead of competition. Not that competition never got us anything, however agressive competition can be directed in a non-violent arena. Enter the internet.

People are starting to loose faith in the internet. A few have seen what is was before, when it was pure, but as powerful people come on board they bring with them their own baggage of evils, the tools that they used to get them where they are today. I remember a time when everything was new and exciting but most importantly everything was free. It may seem like a pipe dream but I think that with a lot of perspiration we can probably work together to provide everything we want free of charge. Most people are just looking for entertainment in some form or another. It's not an evil distraction, I don't think - as long as we don't use it as an escape from reality, because as much as we'd want otherwise the reality we're living in is the one we have to change. The key point though is balance. Moderation. Everything in moderation. Once you overinduldge you're leading yourself down a path of gluttony, which as all of us good 'christians' must know is a Sin.

The thing is though I don't think that all forms of 'gluttony' are a sin. Take information for example. Can you really know too much? Is there a point where you have to slow down the intake, or is it possible to take it all and to hell with the consequences? I read a lot, and I encourage anyone who's listening to do the same. I read as much as I can because in my eyes you can never know to much. The lazy sin of saving that work for the 'afterlife' when you'll suddenly know 'everything' seems like a load of crap to me. I suppose the problem is that you never really know if what you're reading is the truth or not. It's really gotten to that point for some of us, I know. We read and read and read but it's all tainted, it's all biased in some direction or another. There's been a general lack in accurate reporting, in allowing the audience to form their own opinions when presented with just the truth. Maybe it's a lot easier to sell SUVs if you taint information in a certain way. Fuckers. What are they going to do with so much money?

Anyways, it's late. I suggest all of you hop on Kazaa and search for a song called One Thing by Finger Eleven - Studio 97 version. I've listened to both their released version and the studio 97 version and I can tell you this - I've haven't heard more heart and soul in a long time. It's well worth a listen despite the shitty radio dubs.

So yeah, I've been all over the place here. That's the nature of me I guess. I'm always all over the place. I guess I just need to find a cause, but as of now I'm still searching. I know it's out there but I'm starting to lose hope.

Just a wee test

Please ignore. I'm testing some of the movable Type functionality.

Nothing to see here, move along...

The girl from the bus

I am certainly no Don Juan, but I pride myself on my ability to chat up the ladies. Of course it never leads anywhere but at the same time I always enjoy the conversations. There was one however that struck me deep to the bone but unfortunately it was not meant to be.....

I am constantly late for work. I'm pretty sure that some people are just genetically incapable of going to bed before a certain time, and for me that time is somewhere around 2:30AM. This unfortunately leads me to a state of near perfect tardiness. I'm slowly making changes in this department but nonetheless the call of the night is seductive and sweet, and very hard to ignore.

It was a couple of months ago that I noticed this girl checking me out on the bus. It always seemed to me that I would catch her looking at me and she would catch me looking at her. I remember this one point where it was just the two of us at our transfer point and although neither of us said anything, we were both thinking about each other. I lit a cigarette and she followed suit. Communication without words - we're talking pure body language. Maybe that's the way it should have stayed but I digress.

So over the next few days I desperately tried to think of some opening line, some witty remark that could start a conversation. Nothing came to mind in this case (my ability to chat the ladies only seems to happen in dark bars after a few drinks), and the agony was driving me nuts. I remember very clearly stepping off the bus but giving her a big smile, and when she smiled back I knew there was something there. We're not talking about a tight lipped who-the-hell-is-this-guy grin, we're talking about a glorious smile, a smile that could light up a room. I knew the next time I saw her I'd talk to her.

Later the next night after having a wicked time with some friends at a show, I was driving home at around 1:30am when I came to a stop light at grant and kenaston. As I was approaching I saw a figure at the bus stop and I knew - I knew it was her. And it was. It's a good thing it was a long light otherwise I would never have worked up the courage to offer her a ride. She accepted and we proceeded to have a fantastic conversation, a truely inspiring opening of the floodgates. There was no nervousness, no hesitation, we were both so in synch with each other that it blew my mind. We drove to a park and had a nightcap bowl and talked about the universe and the nature of life. For me, I felt right away that I could probably die in this girl's arms. It just felt right on so many levels. However I believe that confidence was my downfall, that led to where I am right now, bitter and depressed and wondering if there is any hope for me.

So we planned to meet at a Canada Day rave/party, and we did, and we talked, but she seemed distant. She asked for my number and I gave it (perhaps too energetically). I talked to her a couple more times on the bus but she seemed more and more withdrawn. An email exchange or two and she informs me that this guy she's been hanging out with is actually someone she's seeing. They were planning to go to the Burning Man festival together.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not some stalker type. I think too much for sure but I don't put pressure, I don't follow people around. I guess I didn't keep cards my close enough to my chest, but whatever the case may be she broke off contact.

So I saw her today, on the bus, a couple of months later. It brought back all of those emotions and hopes that I had unfairly pinned on her. The thing is though, the thing that really hurt was that she didn't acknowledge my existence. She just walked on by. Ouch did that hurt. Sort of gave the day some crappy overtones which I threw at The Kitty. Ah well he can handle it. Nonetheless I felt like shit all day and I just felt like ranting about it here. Maybe it'll be like a catharsis... Who knows. I'd like to get her out of my head. She really did a number on me. To paraphrase Kelso from that 70's show - "If they didn't have such soft skin, sexy lips, deep eyes, curvacious chest and hips I'd have nothing to do with them."

A little bit of everything...

I've always wanted to write a blog, although I've never really read them too much. I’m thwarted however by something that’s become more and more infrequent but subsequently more and more annoying – loss of internet. So here I am, stuck using the only writing program that does what I want but I hate to use. I tried ultra edit but I couldn’t figure out how to set the word wrap. Too many options I guess. What it really came down to was that I didn’t have a single program that’s designed specifically for writing in html, the language of the web In so many ways. I’m not very good at formatting my style though. This is something I wish I could excel at yet find myself not being able to. It’s a difficult task that is really under-appreciated. I wish all of us technical guys could pull our asses out of our heads and recognize that the art that goes into web-design should not be something slighted because it’s less ‘cerebral’, especially financially.

I wonder how many small companies there are where it’s just a couple of guys hosting and designing webpages. (On a side note – I can’t believe MS Word 2002 didn’t recognize ‘webpages’ as a proper word. Maybe they’re trying to phase out webpages and replace it with some a more MS-centric one like ‘coffers’.) Web hosting is what I do, of course. It’s a good job and it allows me the opportunity to read a lot of stuff out there on the internet. Doing this without the internet is harder than I thought though; it’s surprising just how often having the ability to look up any fact or literary reference can come into handy if you spend a lot of your time thinking. Did I mention that? I like to think. Sometimes a lot unfortunately for me. It’s becoming rather like a curse to be truthful. This is my experience anyways. It’s quite addictive however, and I don’t think I’ll be able to pull out even to save myself. What do I think about? I think about a lot of things.

I think about the end of the world. I think about how it can be averted. I think about love and about opportunities, past and forthcoming. I think about the planet and how we live here. I think about hatred and how deeply it burns. I think about hunger and poverty and how much there is. I think about individuality and how unique everyone can be. I think about the internet and how wonderfully the emergence of civilization in a civil arena will shape the world. I think about Artificially Intelligent computers and the incredible possibilities that lie therein. I think about energy and the universe and how we’re all connected, as cheesy as that may seem.

I do think about these things, but whether or not I’ve gotten the right answers, well I highly doubt that. But at least I’m thinking, you know? Thinking. Now there’s a rare and wonderful gift. Granted to us lucky humans by the dice of chance, by the randomly determined rules that define our universe. It is such a rare and wonderful gift. This is fundamentally why I’m so fascinated by the stars. I keep looking out there, at all those points of light, all so very much like our own yet at the same time so very different. I told my uncle once that if it was a billion to one odds that we wound up in a galaxy that was stable and a billion to one odds that we orbit a star that is relatively benign and a billion to one odds that we inhabit a planet that can support life as we know it then haven’t we all already won the lottery? Isn’t every moment we exist on earth a rare and exciting royal flush in a grand game of poker? He thought it was a pretty good outlook on life and so I. That’s why I cherish every moment. Every experience is a new and exciting one with so many paths and opportunities if people just look with eyes wide open.

That privilege to sit here and think however is not one shared by the majority of the people on the planet. I am afforded this opportunity because I live in a good country and have good parents. The problem I see however is that this world is becoming polarized. The people who have aren’t willing to share with the people who haven’t unfortunately. I suppose there’s a lot of people who do want to, but really have no idea about the how. This is unfortunately my problem as well so I am forced to believe that by telling the rest of the world my dilemma I can expect some excellent suggestions.

I really wish my internet was working. I have to say that I am a complete addict of WSA and not having a connection is literally giving me the jitters. Well ok, I’m actually a very jittery person or at least my legs are – they sometimes seem to have a mind of their own. It can be quite distracting like it is right now, and also very annoying to others. However I believe in my natural state my legs should be jumping up and down like asynchronous pistons. So Web Space Conquerors of the Divine as my co-worker likes to call it is a great game. My personal philosophy is why conquer the world when I can conquer the galaxy? Why go on a bloody rampage when I can slaughter highly trained marines in a virtual environment? Not that I fantasize about those kinds of scenarios, however whether or not that’s because I play games so much that I never have those impulses is another question altogether. I’ve always felt that video games reduce violent impulses in men. I think that there is a natural instinctive violence in males that’s a manifestation of survival of the fittest in a hostile environment. Nature is a hard force and demands that only the best survive. That’s why we’ve tried to conquer nature over the years… Not everyone in the world is the best yet there’s been unifying social movement to allow the survival of everyone. Sometimes this is forgotten though, or maybe it always is. It’s hard to envision the absolute scope of human history against the twenty five years that I’ve been alive although I do try.

One of my problems is that I don’t really know when to stop. One the things I’ve been doing in life recently is engaging in conversation with other video gamers who have one thing in common: The Great Milenko. It’s really hard to describe to someone who doesn’t play video games what exactly it’s all about but I shall endeavour to do so anyways. First the facts: TGM has been playing a copy of the Soldier Of Fortune 2 Demo, a first person shooter game for well over a year now. When the demo was released way back when there were literally thousands of people playing on hundreds of different serves yet TGM stood above the rest. It’s strange to describe the social behaviour of gamers and their servers because so many people who have no idea about this (or don’t care) probably don’t realize how social and communicative it is. Typically you get about 30 or so players on a server and they all have the ability to chat with everyone or chat with their team. The goal of the game is different depending on what team you’re on. The red team has to defend the briefcase and the blue team has to retrieve it in 3 minutes. This same sequence of events happens over and over, time and time again, same level after same level. TGM was 24x7 at the time of the release and it distinguished itself with low pings, good players and eventually good admins. At least I’d like to think so, as I was one of them. ;) What’s an admin you say? A referee, a diplomat, a judge and a lawyer. Bad behaviour and cheating are unfortunately rampant in the video game world. A lot of people defend cheating on the basis of just having fun but I always view it as cheap and insulting when the game is taken seriously. Not all games are so heavy, don’t get me wrong. The thing is there is skill involved, and when there’s skill there’s always competition. That’s one of the great things about humanity is that by competing against each other we strive to better ourselves. If only it didn’t matter in which path we choose to advance the self, if only we were allowed to each find our own purpose. Ah but that is just a dream, sadly.

The real piece de resistance is the forum. With video gamers from around the world playing with each other constantly day in and day out it provided an excellent amphitheatre for all of us to discuss our opinions on everyday events as well as to air our grievances over other players. What better ground to voice your concerns then with friends that you’ll never meet? Ah but enough about the great milenko, that’s probably not very interesting to most people.

I do think that people are concerned with the direction the world is going though. There are a lot shitty things in the world despite what your cynicism is telling you, and believe it or not it will make a difference in your life. The whole butterfly in Tokyo causing a hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico is no less true today just because people don’t talk about it anymore. Every single decision we make has ramifications that echo throughout the world. The whole ‘I’m just one person, what can I do about it’ mentality is completely misleading – everything you are doing is affecting the world is small ways that add up to all ways when you’re talking about everybody. We have to make the right choices though, that’s the important part. We can’t just think of ourselves anymore; that mode of thought is completely outdated. There are just too many people in the world suffering by our selfish and greedy actions to ignore without consequences. I want to have a safe world where my children can be born and grow up to experience as much of life as they can. It just won’t be safe with the direction we’re going.

One of the things that really does scare me is the thought of global disaster. If that happens it’s not just about our children, it’s about everyone’s children. And it is a possibility. A lot of people will call me paranoid but there’s some alleged facts that really do scare me: This ‘super volcano’ is supposedly on a cycle of 600,000 years between eruptions, and it’s been 640,000 since its last. The article is quite alarmist but perhaps that’s because we’re looking a scary situation. A ticking time bomb that we will go off not if but when. Global devastation the likes haven’t been seen in 74,000 years. I can imagine what our society would look like if we stay our current course and this event occurs. Madness, pure and simple madness. 6,000 years of societal progress down the drain, great works of art and music forgotten for all time, literature never to be read again. I don’t want this to happen, and yet I’m forced to consider the fact that it probably will happen unless we can do something about it now. Therein lies my one hope – all of those Hollywood blockbusters can’t be wrong. Could humanity band together in a time of great need to overcome a threat to everyone’s existence? I’ve always figured the world would unite as one if we came into contact with aliens, but perhaps all we need is a threat from our very own planet to make us overcome our barbarous legacy. See this thing, this event, well I’m pretty damn sure it will happen if we don’t do something about it. We need to start investigating it now though to learn more of the details. If we had more people working on it then we could probably get a better picture of when it will happen so we can start to formulate some plans. I may be a reactionist but I think that this is something positive to react against.

Anyways, I’m going to save this and try and salvage my internet connection. The sad part is that if I had only not rebooted my linux firewall, I would have been surfing hours ago. (It seems MS Office 2002 does not recognize ‘linux’ as a proper word either – interesting.) Not that there’s anything wrong with linux, but I don’t really have mine set up properly. I think it’s time to retire my current model and try something new. I’m thinking smoothwall, because it’s working pretty good at my office.

I guess that's it then. Quite a rant, all over the place as usual. Too many ideas to talk about I guess.