Family and Stuff

I was thinking about writing about the mad cow controversy, but then I realized that there’s not really that much to talk about. The North American Beef Industry is *fucked*.
instead I started thinking about Christmas and family, and how bizarre my family is compared to the rest of the world. You see the strange thing in our family, the dirty, dark little secret that nobody wants to talk about, well spill the beans – there are none. There are no black sheep (well, beside me and one of my cousins – we’re crazy!). There is no drama, no controversy, no embarassing uncles, no children in jail, no freaks (but plenty of geeks). We’re having a family reunion next year and so far out of 70 people only three can’t make it because their kid is in a world diving competition. Everyone else *wants* to come. Strange, huh?
It’s hard for me to understand another’s perception who comes from a family that is messed up. This is my weakness and probably why I believe there is always hope for humanity. From my perspective everybody *can* get along, and have a fun time as well.
I took the holidays off from blogging to relax and enjoy the holidays, but I’m going to get right back into the swing of things – big changes are coming soon!

5 thoughts on “Family and Stuff”

  1. i rather beg to differ, young jedi. if what you say is true then you have the impossible dream. let’s begin:
    first, i would focus on the three that are involved in the alleged ‘diving competition’. they’re first under the microscope. is it sponsored by budweiser? does it take place in bolivia? have you seen them in or around water? have you seen them dive? do they even know how to swim? have you seen them swim? do they make eye contact? are they even fucking related?
    i raise these questions partly out of concern but mostly out of the fact that it makes christmas and thanksgiving (US) ten times more interesting. boxing day, however will continue to suck.
    observe: uncle hank sits to the left of you and passes the mashed potatoes (or back bacon,eh? ha!). is it really the uncle hank that you’ve always known? or is it true that in 1969 under the influence of narcotics, alcohol and hashish, ‘hampton’ as he was known back then picked up 2 underage hitchhikers and drove them 12 miles south of vancouver claiming it was woodstock. upon arrival at the outskirts of stanley park he exited his citroen, looked around and did in fact say, ‘fuck. no one’s here yet…i can’t believe roger and jimi would do me like this. those guys always get me! well, we better start setting up now’. at which point both girls assembled his tent, gathered firewood and scouted out locations for the main stage. after the fire was burning and the girls were admiring their backstage passes, hampton said, ‘hey, wanna fuck?’.
    and the rest is history. but you wouldn’t know that because hank is an accountant now and isn’t talking. according to him 1969 was the year he switched over from a political science major and met aunt betty at an anti-war demonstration.
    i like you, Chef. but out of 70 people i find it hard to believe there aren’t stories in there that would floor you. i urge you to look closer. life, broken down is both a celebration and the sickest saddest movie you’ve ever seen and you’re in it.
    in the interest of science, i would like you to please send me your address and i’ll send you a case of scotch. however, it arrives on the condition that ALL of it must be consumed at your family reunion and you wear a wire.
    then we’ll go over the tapes and we can readdress this issue after you’ve had plenty of time to rest and recover.
    this office will deny any and all allegations of felony, substance abuse and crime.

  2. Well eventually you must take the words of your family at face value. What use is it to constantly question whether or not the facts being presented to you are deceitful in nature? I admit I haven’t pried the lid off of the tomb of family secrets because in this case, ignorance may be bliss. I do find it hard to believe that the veneer of peace and happiness would be so unbroken as to have fooled an entire generation of grandchildren.
    I will take you up on your offer though, in fact I think that’s a grand idea. A case of scotch would go over mighty fine at the upcoming pow wow, and as for a wire well I think that an open display of video cameras and tape recorders would do a much more accurate job of representing the reality of our family. Hey now there’s an interesting idea for a reality TV show… How about a family that isn’t completely fucked up and don’t end christmas dinner with a shouting match between drunken uncle Hank and an angry, hurt aunt Betty. Of course there’s no way in the world that would at all be interesting to the general viewing public because as we all know, sex and violence, drama and backstabbing is what makes for good TV.
    On a side note about diving – the mother, son and daughter who will not be attending will be performing for the very first time in their home town (Victoria? Vancouver?). This would also have been the first time their father could have watched them live except for the fact that he’ll be in Winnipeg, attending our family reunion.

  3. Definately something along the lines of the Osmond family without all the forced happiness. 😉
    Oh and the changes won’t be big, but I have to give myself deadlines to do them or they’ll never get done.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *