As time draws on my thoughts become more scattered. I find myself more and more distracted with anything other than doing real work of any kind, whether that be so called work work, writing in this blog or even doing anything else that I am responsible for or a course of action I have wanted to pursue. It is very distressing yet I can’t help myself. It has taken a whole weekend and a slew of internal excuses for me to even update this blog. I’m sick. I hurt my back on Saturday. The world is getting more and more messed up. Apparently, the internet isn’t fostering democracy and freedom as many of us geeks had hoped. Perhaps all of these excuses are a smoke screen for the one thing I’m afraid to admit to myself: I’m a fraud who doesn’t really know what he’s talking about.
Let me be blunt. I’m neither a philosopher nor a political scientist. My education was in computer engineering and I have never read any classical philosophy texts. In fact, the only exposure I’ve had to philosophy was in the reading of Sophies World, what I considered a great ‘primer’ on the evolution of philosophy. Remember though that as this is the only ‘philosophical’ text I’ve read, I have really nothing to compare it against, so take my review with a grain of salt.
You can also take a look at my religious experience. I was a christian, baptized and everything, but then my family stopped attending church when I was pretty young. I’ve never read the Bible nor the Quran. I know bits and pieces yet never having read the full texts of either I am hardly a capable voice to criticize or condemn either material. All of my thoughts on these religions are based on what I can observe from the practioners of those religions, and although my exposure to Muslims has really only been of the online variety, I feel that this is perhaps a pretty good representation of that faith. Likewise for Christians, of course. Again, do I have any right to condemn these religions based on my own, limited knowledge?
Finally in the realm of political science I am perhaps the most naive. I haven’t even read any classical political text. All I know is again from what I see, whether that be on the Internet or on the TV, again it is all non-standard. How can I even dream of new political systems if I have no tutelage or experience in classical political systems?
So here I am, yet another blogger in a sea of bloggers, an inflated sense of self importance dwindling with the dawning realization that I am no more than any other out there. The blogging power pyramid has been established, there is no more room at the top. With my dreams of glory fading, is there any reason to continue? If my voice does not reach the masses should I continue to shout? Do I even have a right, if I have no record or background to rely on?
So I wonder, I wait, I despair at my fate. I avoid work, avoid decisions, avoid life. I am weak, weaker than any person you will ever know. This is a truth. My will is low, very low. What I say and what I do are often different things. Sometimes I cannot look at myself, sometimes I am fascinated by the creature I see staring back at me in the mirror. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even human.