Well, enough of the heavy stuff for once – I was sent this email of Homer quotes that I just felt had to be published for all to read. Truely the epitome of good television, if there ever was a church of Simpsons I would probalby tithe.
[Praying heavenward] Homer: I’m not normally a religious man, but if you’re up there, save me, Superman!
Homer: Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and
studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be
extracted for our personal use.
Lisa: Dad, what’s a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it’s not quite a mop, it’s not quite a puppet, but man…
[laughs hysterically] So to answer your question, I don’t know.
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of
chocolate to milk.
Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his
Homer: God bless those pagans.
Homer Simpson: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what
separates us from the animals… except the weasel.
Homer: Hit me!
Homer: Hit me!
Homer: Hit me!
Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city,
keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I
think it was called, “The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.”
Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Oooh, that’s bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That’s good!
Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That’s bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings!
Homer: That’s good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain sodium benzoate.
[Homer looks puzzled.] That’s bad.!? Can I go now?
Homer: Here are your messages: You have 30 minutes to move your car. You
have 10 minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into
a cube. You have 30 minutes to move your cube
Marge: I think we’re going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we don’t. I’ve got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart’s
room and Bart can sleep with us until he’s 21.
Marge: Won’t that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don’t have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine in ’76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name
is Mother Shabubu now
Homer: Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poisoned milk to school-children.
Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same colour in the end.
Homer: Hey, we didn’t have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.
Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me “sir” without adding, “you’re
making a scene.”
Homer: Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening
Homer: It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but
somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day
Homer: Are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
Homer’s brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer’s brain: Okay, don’t use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I
thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it
was dark and disturbing. Like that movie — Police Academy.
[Homer is a Blackjack dealer]
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.
James Bond: I’ll take a hit, dealer. [Homer deals Bond a card.] Joker?
You’re supposed to take these out of the deck.
Homer: Oh, sorry, I’ll give you another one.
[Homer deals Bond another card.]
James Bond: What’s this? “Rules for Draw and Stud Poker”?
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond…
[Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him.]
James Bond: But… but wait! It was Homer’s fault. I can’t lose! I never
[Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino.] At least tell me your plans
for world domination!
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho ho, I’m not falling for THAT one again.
Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what’s all
this crap I’ve been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Astra: Your husband’s work is what we call “outsider art.” It could be by a
mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient,
hill-billy or chimpanzee!
[Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket.]
Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie “Shine.”
Guard: And your name is…?
Homer: Uhh… Shiney McShine.
Newspaper editor: We’re looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn’t
immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.
Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now
Homer: God, if you really are God, you’ll get me tickets to that game.
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick–
Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that’s not God. That’s just a waffle that Bart tossed up
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer’s hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn’t eat thee, but — [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.
Homer: Well Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that?
Marge: It’s eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe?
Homer: Of course not. But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer: Well, when there’s nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.
Homer: It’s like David and Goliath, only this time David won!
Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If
you have the fever, there’s only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning
Lisa Simpson: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever
considered artificial insemination?
Homer: Boy, I don’t know. You’d have to be pretty desperate to make it with
[Marge whispers something in his ear] I knew that.
Homer: Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Pepi: Tell me more! I want to know ALL the constellations!
Homer: Well, that one’s Jerry, the cowboy. And that big dipper-looking thing
is Alan, the cowboy.
Marge: I’m worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa’s becoming very obsessive.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke!
It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa! Get in here. [Lisa walks in] In
this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
Homer: Well, I hope you’ve learnt your lesson,
Lisa: never help anyone.
Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about
Homer: There, there, Bart. If something’s hard, then it’s not worth doing
[Homer can’t stop the monorail]
Marge: I’ve brought somebody to help you.
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: It’s a scientist.
Homer: Batman’s a scientist?
Marge: It’s NOT Batman.
Homer: I can’t live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musty odors — oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called “City Fathers” who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about “What’s to be done with this Homer Simpson?”
Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.
Homer’s ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the
Homer’s ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I’m just trying to get in, I’m not running
Homer: Bad bees! Get away from my sugar! Ow! Ow!! Oh, they’re defending
Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute
Homer: Look Marge, you don’t know what it’s like — I’m the one out there
every day putting his ass on the line. And I’m not out of order! You’re out
of order! The whole freakin’ system is out of order! You want the truth? You
want the truth?! You can’t HANDLE the truth! ‘Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend’s face, you’ll
know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it’s Chinatown!
[Homer is teaching a university course on marriage]
Homer: I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of
this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild
with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
Krabappel: We need names!
Homer: Well, er, let’s just call them, uh, “Mr. X” and “Mrs. Y.” So anyway,
Mr. X would say, “Marge, if this doesn’t get your motor running, my name
isn’t Homer J. Simpson!”
[Ned and Homer are driving in a snowstorm.]
Ned Flanders: Homer, we just hit something!
Homer: Ooooooh, I hope it was Flanders
Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at
Homer:(Offering Lisa a donut.) Donut?
Lisa: Uhh… got any fruit?
Homer: This one has purple in it. Purple’s a fruit.
Doctor: (Eating a hot dog) Delicious!
Homer: I’ve got the presciption for you, Doctor… another hot beef
injection! (Hands him a hot dog)
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old!
Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That’s because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
Mr. Burns (Golfing with Homer): Use an open-faced club! A sand
Homer: Mmmmm… open-faced club sandwich.
Homer: Marge, since I’m not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to
pass me the syrup?
Marge: Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell dad I’ll only pass the syrup if it won’t be used on any
Bart: You dunkin your sausages in that syrup, Home boy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do
Marge: Tell him yourself, you’re ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you’re not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Ah, dad, Lisa’s the one you’re not talking to,
Homer: Bart, go to your room!
Homer (Upon finding out he’s been admitted to college):
(Singing) I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!
Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart’s a vampire, beer kills brain
cells. Now let’s go back to that… building… thingie… where our beds
and TV… is.
Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Homer: Woo hoo! Cheap meat!
Homer: Mmmm… beer.
Homer: Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15
bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody’s a sinner! Except this guy.
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I’m going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love,
and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you’re here?
Homer’s brain: Don’t say revenge. Don’t say revenge.
Homer: Ummm… revenge?
Homer’s brain: Okay, that’s it. I’m outta here. (step step step step step…
Homer: Okay, brain. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let’s get
through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer
Homer’s Brain: It’s a deal!
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and
you’d step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)
Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
Homer: If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can’t speak English.
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporthing events, it’s not whether you
win or lose… it’s how drunk you get.
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is,
Homer: Mmmmm… 64 slices of American cheese. 64 (munch munch munch)… 63
(munch munch munch) (cut to much later)
Homer: 2… (munch munch munch) … 1 (munch munch munch)
Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I’m blind.
Reporter: Don’t you think it’s dangerous to send civilians into space?
Homer: I’ll handle this… the only danger in space is if we land on the
terrible Planet of the Apes… wait a minute. Statue of Liberty… THAT WAS
OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! (Starts sobbing uncontrollably)
Homer: Ahhh… sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
Homer: Awww… 20 dollars!? I wanted a peanut.
Homer’s brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer’s brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo hoo!
Homer (Looking at a “nudie deck”):”The girls of the internet.” Ooh, I’d go
online with them anyday!
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Homer: But the car’s okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
Homer: Mmmmm… reprocessed pig fat…
Homer (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As
an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them
instead, please give me no sign whatsoever… thy will be done (munch munch
Homer: If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
Homer: (On George Bush) I didn’t vote for him!
Marge: You didn’t vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became
Homer: What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here,
Homer: To find Flanders, I have to think like Flanders.
Homer’s brain: I’m a big four-eyed lame-o! And I wear the same stupid
sweater every day and…
Homer: The Springfield river!