Every once in a while I come across a girl who makes me re-evalute my life; makes me re-evalute my goals and my long term ambitions. Ultimately this is an unfair load to burden on someone, even someone who is a casual friend, but at the same time it’s in my nature to find these latches on which to hold on to. I don’t know what it is about me that finds such solace in the companionship of another. Call me weak, call me selfish but I call it human nature. Something within us that reaches beyond ourself, beyond our one little world into something that is more then the sum of it’s parts.
At the end of the day it seems pretty pathetic. I don’t know what attracts me to these lost causes but perhaps there’s something of an underdog within me that thinks that through perserverence and hardwork,ones ultimate ambitions might be atainable. I know a lot of people put a great deal of stock in the idea that we are all meant for someone, that we are all destined to find our soulmate with whom we will be satisfied. I do this as well. Perhaps it’s a result of too many romance novels, too many hollywood movies where the hero gets the heroine. Love is a tricky thing and it can never be encapsulated in a 2 hours movie.
What is it about the opposite sex that drives us to distraction? Myself personally, all I can think about is this one girl. This one possibility, this one actualization of what I want in a girl. Smart, beautiful, funny and engaging. Those are traits that anyone would find attractive. Myself, I find it distracting. How can I waste my life away playing video games and working at a shitty job when there exists this girl who challenges me and the ideas that I hold dear?
It’s nothing but an oxymoron, a ridiculous diatribe of humanity. Why are we so weak in the face of perfection? Why do we constantly examine our personal flaws when faced with someone who is *better* then us? I constantly examine my flaws whenever I’m around this girl. I can’t stop thinking about all the things I could be doing better, all the things that I would do if I was properly motivated. I see myself as a bucket of endless possibilites, just waiting for the right girl to dump me on the course of my life.
Sounds like a bunch of bullshit I know. I’m drunk and my fingers are flying, so if there’s spelling mistakes I’ll corect them later. All I know is that there’s a girl I’m interested in and I can’t quite bring myself to tell her how I feel – which is (suprisingly enough) quite a common theme in my life. How is it that I’ve managed to grow up with absolutely no balls whatsoever. I don’t know what it is about me that fears *rejection* so much that I won’t even take a chance, but it is crippling – far worse then any kind of disease.
Is love truely the answer? I believe it is, and perhaps that’s why I put so much stock in these relationship issues. If love is the universal truth, then finding the right person to love is of utmost importance. You have to find the person who is correctly suited towards you and your individual idiosyncracies. But what if you’re too idiosyncratic to be loved? This is my predicament. I belive that ultimately I’m too “quirky” to be loved, to be taken seriously. It’s going to take a special women to have the confidence to see that I can return their love. I think that most women don’t have this kind of confidence. This is unfortunate. This plays quite negatively against my own sense of self worth, which is pretty low….
I don’t know what I’m tryin to say. It’s a lot of bullshit wrapped in a pancake of mediocracty, but at least I’m writing. It’s been so long since I felt passionate enough about anything to write…. Now if only I could ignite that spark again…..