Beast of Burden

Every once in a while I come across a girl who makes me re-evalute my life; makes me re-evalute my goals and my long term ambitions. Ultimately this is an unfair load to burden on someone, even someone who is a casual friend, but at the same time it’s in my nature to find these latches on which to hold on to. I don’t know what it is about me that finds such solace in the companionship of another. Call me weak, call me selfish but I call it human nature. Something within us that reaches beyond ourself, beyond our one little world into something that is more then the sum of it’s parts.

At the end of the day it seems pretty pathetic. I don’t know what attracts me to these lost causes but perhaps there’s something of an underdog within me that thinks that through perserverence and hardwork,ones ultimate ambitions might be atainable. I know a lot of people put a great deal of stock in the idea that we are all meant for someone, that we are all destined to find our soulmate with whom we will be satisfied. I do this as well. Perhaps it’s a result of too many romance novels, too many hollywood movies where the hero gets the heroine. Love is a tricky thing and it can never be encapsulated in a 2 hours movie.
What is it about the opposite sex that drives us to distraction? Myself personally, all I can think about is this one girl. This one possibility, this one actualization of what I want in a girl. Smart, beautiful, funny and engaging. Those are traits that anyone would find attractive. Myself, I find it distracting. How can I waste my life away playing video games and working at a shitty job when there exists this girl who challenges me and the ideas that I hold dear?
It’s nothing but an oxymoron, a ridiculous diatribe of humanity. Why are we so weak in the face of perfection? Why do we constantly examine our personal flaws when faced with someone who is *better* then us? I constantly examine my flaws whenever I’m around this girl. I can’t stop thinking about all the things I could be doing better, all the things that I would do if I was properly motivated. I see myself as a bucket of endless possibilites, just waiting for the right girl to dump me on the course of my life.
Sounds like a bunch of bullshit I know. I’m drunk and my fingers are flying, so if there’s spelling mistakes I’ll corect them later. All I know is that there’s a girl I’m interested in and I can’t quite bring myself to tell her how I feel – which is (suprisingly enough) quite a common theme in my life. How is it that I’ve managed to grow up with absolutely no balls whatsoever. I don’t know what it is about me that fears *rejection* so much that I won’t even take a chance, but it is crippling – far worse then any kind of disease.
Is love truely the answer? I believe it is, and perhaps that’s why I put so much stock in these relationship issues. If love is the universal truth, then finding the right person to love is of utmost importance. You have to find the person who is correctly suited towards you and your individual idiosyncracies. But what if you’re too idiosyncratic to be loved? This is my predicament. I belive that ultimately I’m too “quirky” to be loved, to be taken seriously. It’s going to take a special women to have the confidence to see that I can return their love. I think that most women don’t have this kind of confidence. This is unfortunate. This plays quite negatively against my own sense of self worth, which is pretty low….
I don’t know what I’m tryin to say. It’s a lot of bullshit wrapped in a pancake of mediocracty, but at least I’m writing. It’s been so long since I felt passionate enough about anything to write…. Now if only I could ignite that spark again…..

5 thoughts on “Beast of Burden”

  1. It’s nice to see that you’va managed to pull yourself away from your job and Warcrafting, at least for a while, in order to put down what you’re thinking. Have you read what you’ve written, your thoughts might make more sense if you do.
    As a quick side mote, the one thing that keeps me from fearing rejection is a simple (yet quite efficient) saying: “there are more fish in the sea”. Don’t think about what you want to say, not at first, if you really like someone, you won’t be able to do this properly anyway so just say the first things that pop into your mind. The more you think about what you want to talk about, the less “balls” you’ll have once you actually start using your vocal chords (if you ever get there).
    You remind me so much of the romantic poets, they always thought that they could attain enlightement thru the “perfect love”. With that in mind, if someone dosn’t like you for who you are (ie: saying what first pops into your mind ;)) how can this someone be a “perfect love”.
    But then again, I’m not really certain that you should be taking advice from someone like myself since I can’t really seem to keep relationships togather for more that 2-3 weeks. I don’t know why but I get bored :/. It’s interesting, really, I’d like to have as simple a life as possible, however, when it comes to relationships, simple is what drives me away. I also remember hearing something like “Relationships are not that complicated… you fuck, you go to the movies, you fuck, you go to another movie, you fuck, you go to her momma’s house… and in between all the fucking and movies, you go “You wanna get something to eat?”. And the more you’re in a relationship, there’s less fucking and more eating!”. I don’t know, perhaps I just havn’t found someone who can challange me… plus being an 18 year old guy, my dick runs my life.
    One last thing, philosophy dosn’t work in relationships, the more you analise someone, the more excuses you find why not to talk to them…
    I actually came here after seing that you’ve changed your msn nick to “Europe here I came” but right now I’m tired so I’ll just bother you another time about that.

  2. Women become the vessels of our hopes. We get bored, or disillusioned when we discover, upon looking that what we once thought was filled to the brim with everything we ever desired, turns out to be just another person.
    Good luck.

  3. Chef! long time no see pal. I find myself in the same position as you. I also find myself wondering why i have “no balls” to say what i need to say. I wrote the girl a letter that would melt the heart of anyone (yes, i mean anyone). but upon reading it over, i thought to myself, “this is making me sound desperate” “what if she thinks im a dork?” “what if all her ‘signs’ were not really signs?” all these what if’s led me to start examining our current relationship. Having the mind that i have, i think that i think too much. the above ^people are right to an extent, there’s no room for philosophy in relationships. you tend to over-analyze everything. upon the last statement, i must close my monologue. Yesterday, i was pissed as hell for some reason i dont know probably the typical high school drama. The girl walked by me saying hi. I didnt reply instead kept on walking. she ran back, stopped me, lifted my chin and told me to smile. i slammed her against the wall and told her the only thing that would make me smile was if i could get her out of my mind….she said she could help me out on that one becuase there had been something she had been wanting to do for a long time. She pushed me off her and threw me against the wall and kissed me like i’ve never been kissed before. Well….that didn’t help me get her off my mind…but it did help me “ease the burden” i had been carrying from my “silent lips.”
    Take care pimp. No advice to give here. If you really think about it…”Advice” is something we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didnt. You’re a pretty smart dude chef. I know you know what you gotta do.

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